Once upon a time I was 26 going on 27, and I was about to begin what would be the worst year of my life. I didn’t know much about astrology back then, but I was definitely entering into the beginning stages of my Saturn’s return. After transiting 2004 to 2005, I promised myself that I would never subject myself to such misery again, and I’m grateful to say, I have kept that promise.

I was engaged to a guy who I’ll call “Joey” for the purpose of this telling. I was engaged, and I didn’t want to be.

I take responsibility for that.

I had been dropping not so subtle comments for a year and a half that I wanted to be married and pregnant by the time I exited my twenty-seventh year. It wasn’t until he presented me with a ring and proposed to me that I realized that this timeline of life goals I had set down for myself was my own self-deluded bullshit. On the night Joey offered me his ring with shaking hands and voice, I was horrified to find myself feeling like I had been handed an inescapable death sentence.

I thought I wanted to marry him, until he asked me.

That’s when I felt my stomach drop in dread, and all the blood drain from my head. I was cornered by my own trap. I thought I had to say yes, because I asked for it.

I did say, “Yes,” the night he proposed to me. I didn’t have the strength to say, “No.”

I wasn’t ready to break up with him or to dismantle the home we had created together. In the weeks that followed, I wore a wan smile and skillfully changed the subject whenever friends or anybody congratulated us. I prayed no one would see how my heart was not in my eyes when I smiled. I prayed they could not see me cringe at the thought of being Joey’s fiancé.

The ring he gave me did not fit which was the perfect analogy for my life at the time. Being the slacker that Joey was, he didn’t take the initiative to get it sized. I didn’t mind. I was grateful it was too big for me to wear. I kept it in the box hidden in some drawer, and I let myself forget about it as much as possible.

One night, I went out dancing with some friends. One of them was Etienne, my boyfriend’s best friend at the time. He was the one I really wanted to be dating, but I knew he’d never consider me, because I was with his friend. Joey wasn’t interested in going dancing or to new places, but Etienne loved it. I loved going out with him.

Being half French, Etienne spoke fluent French, had a charming daredevil grin, made up wild stories about himself, many of which were true, went on adventures, and traveled. I settled for my boyfriend, because I had been incredibly lonely. The life I secretly wanted to live was much more in alignment with his friend than it was with him.

On this night we went out dancing, I felt so free and happy to be out on the town with friends and without Joey. This great feeling smashed to pieces instantly when Etienne introduced me as “Joey’s fiancé” to some friends of his. I instantly felt that same feeling of blood draining out of my head and into my sinking stomach. I was also aware of feeling anger.

Damnit! I was my own woman. Why did Etienne have to highlight my ball and chain to new people?

I felt this feeling of resentment festering within me for about ten minutes until I pulled Etienne aside to tell him that I did not appreciate being presented as “Joey’s fiancé”. I told him it made me feel like a branded heifer. Poor Etienne looked distressed that he had said anything to upset me, and he agreed not to introduce me as “Joey’s fiancé” in the future. He was really supportive and kind about it, which I deeply appreciated, but the feeling of unease did not leave me.

The truth was that I was not and had never been in love with Joey. I cared deeply about him which is part of why it was so hard to break up with him, but I definitely was not in love with him.

If I had been, I would have been proud to be introduced as his fiancé. I would have gotten the damn ring sized myself so I could wear it everywhere and show off. Instead, I felt embarrassed and guilty. The truth was I could never live an authentic life with Joey, or with anyone at that point, because I didn’t understand myself and what I truly wanted.

One day when I was cooking or cleaning in our kitchen, Built to Spill’s song, “The Weather,” was playing. Joey loved Built to Spill. It was not uncommon for their music to be playing in the background of our apartment. I usually didn’t pay attention to it. But for some reason that day I was feeling keenly like my future was a dead end, and this song’s music and message was channeled directly into my heart.

Do you want in to the outside, the sunshine, where the song keeps itself inside you? 

Yes!

YES!

This is exactly what I wanted.

I knew there was something bigger calling me to meet it.

I wanted the adventure of seeking my longing in nature, in new places, in romance, in adventure, in discovering what makes my blood tingle. As I tuned into this song for the first time, I could hear a spirit calling me to seek it out, and it was calling me West. I’d never considered going West before, so the calling felt fresh and alien. Call it a love story, a spirit, or my higher self, it was and continues to be all of those things, and on that day, it reached me. I’ve been hearing its call ever since.

At the time, it felt like my feet were planted in solid concrete. I was enmeshed in completing my Master’s degree in education, about to enter my first year of teaching as a sixth-grade teacher in the heart of South Philly, and engaged to a man who I was paying the groceries for.

How could I ever answer such a soul calling?

It would take another year for me to successfully extricate myself from that relationship – a long year of intense personal drama, moving out, harsh professional difficulty, long stretches of hardly any sleep, academic pressure, heavy financial stress, and heartbreak.

I survived, and I broke free.

I would enter into three more years of personal drama, but it was the best kind of drama – the drama of getting to know myself by mixing it up with spontaneous exciting people, falling in and out of love many times, dreaming, scheming, and being made humble over and over again in the pursuit of this mysterious spirit I felt calling my name.

Nobody’s hoping for better days,
No one knows what to do,
You’re okay in your secret place,
No one’s bothering you.

Instinctively, I’ve always been aware of this Spirit that lives within and without. At times, I may get lost in the material world, but I always find my way back by feeling. Sometimes it’s something a person says, or a poem I read, or a passing wistful feeling. Many times, it’s a song that leads me through a portal back to my Self.

No matter how many times I lose my way, there is always someone inside, calm and unperturbed. She knows how to follow the mysterious ways of Spirit. She is patient and faithful as she teaches me the ways of unconditional freedom and love.

It might save time if I meet you there, but I don’t care
I’d rather wait for you.
When no one’s home and the weather’s fine,
I’d rather wait for you.
When no one’s home and the weather’s fine,
I’d rather wait for you.

It’s been sixteen years since “The Weather” first spoke to my heart that day in the kitchen. If I had succeeded in meeting my old procreating deadline, I would have a fifteen-year old child by now. I have no regrets on this matter. Even with all the questionable choices that I’ve made, I can honestly say that I’ve been true to my heart every step of the way, and I feel proud of that.

I use to think it was a lover that was calling to me in this song, someone special that I was destined to meet. I still believe in this lover, but the Spirit calling to me is much greater than any one person. I feel it walking beside and inside me whenever I steal away to the natural world. That timeless feeling of being head-over-heels in love fills me with an inextinguishable lightness, and I know I am exactly where I belong- in the loving palm of God’s open hand.

 

 

All italicized “The Weather” lyrics written by Doug Martsch of Built to Spill.